Things to Do Before Asking for a Divorce – Will it be war?
Will it be war?
Before you move forward with divorce, the savviest attorneys would advise you to make some preparations. It might seem heartless, but if you plan to ask your spouse for a divorce, or if you think your spouse might want one from you, there are some matters you should take care of first. Attend to these issues before you or your partner decide to call it quits, and you’ll be ahead of the game during legal negotiations.
We know that the notion of a pending divorce—even one not yet discussed with your spouse—can send you into a tailspin. The mere thought of divorce might evoke a range of emotions, including relief, fear, disappointment, excitement, and dread. After years of frustration, you’re finally ready to divest yourself of some old and uncomfortable life choices for a world of new possibilities and, you hope, lower levels of conflict and pain. But no matter what you feel, you must push these emotions aside and take some practical and highly strategic steps before anyone gets the ball rolling.
1. Consider Your Legal Options
Until you have embarked upon the journey of divorce yourself, you might have some unrealistic notions about what is involved. For many years, middle-class divorce was a less-costly version of the battles waged by the rich, with each party hiring an attorney—albeit a less illustrious one—who negotiated for assets and other rights on the client’s behalf. But in the twenty-first century, that has changed. Most middle-class divorces today are conducted through a variety of venues, often veering significantly from the lawyered-up model of the past.
For one thing, large numbers of middle-income Nigerians hire attorneys for just part of the process and increasingly handle paperwork and logistics themselves. Many others opt for low-conflict resolutions. This includes not just mediation, in which a neutral third party—the mediator—helps the parties reach a compromise, but also the newer method of “collaborative divorce.” In collaborative divorce, each party has an attorney, but the adversarial milieu is replaced by a philosophy of harmony and the goal of getting along. In collaborative divorce, the two attorneys work together as a team, with the goal of problem-solving, not duking it out.
The well-to-do may always divorce the traditional way. They simply have too much at stake to do it any other way; given all their assets, the process must be technical and involved if everyone’s interests are to be served.
But for the middle-income couple, the options have widened. From the do-it-yourself divorce (referred to as pro se or pro per) to the mediated divorce to all the variations in-between, divorce has become a consumer’s marketplace. If you have limited funds, you no longer have to spend them all on your attorney just to sever your marriage. On the other hand, extra choice means extra risk and responsibility. Should you stop at a storefront and offer your credit card for a N50k divorce, leaving the details to an attorney (or more likely, a paralegal)? One thing is certain: You should educate yourself so you can make sure you are fully protected. As you begin to investigate divorce logistics, stay alert and remain skeptical. The choices you make now could impact your financial and familial situation for years or even decades, so make sure you are doing things right.